Beans, Beans, the Magical Fruit

The sort of secret blog of Beans, a.k.a. Jules, a.k.a. "Legs for Miles" a.k.a. "Rackie the Boob Queen." Fine, ok, not the last two. Starting July 2006, sometimes "Mike," aka "fagadoccio," is a co-poster on the blog. The co-poster child, really.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Gutten Night and Gutten Luck

Jules is so far away, and yet our minds are still melded together like Johnny Tremain's deformed hand. Case in point: her post on Police Academy 4 led me to Steve Guttenberg's IMDB page, which is rich enough to deserve its own feature.

Lost in the ensuing decades of well-deserved mockery of Mr. Guttenberg is the fact that in his "Police Academy" and "Cocoon" heyday, he was quite the looker. Behold!

DAAAMMMMNN!!!! Not an ounce of body fat. It's entirely possible that he has a bracket installed just below his belly button to keep his bermuda shorts hung so precariously high, but let's not get picky. The guy was a stud. But any self-respecting celebro-holic with a lifetime subscription to Soap Opera Digest and a Tivo hard drive chock full of back "Access Hollywood" episodes can tell you the awful truth: for every ripped, vaguely-Jewish looking everyman actor who makes it, there are 175 of the same type waiting to spike his on-set iced tea pitcher with strictnine. And so, with the passage of time and the cooling of Mr. Guttenberg's red hot career, his flanks softened, his jowls lengthened, and his curly black mop went all Billy Crystal on us:

Now he looks like part of a Madame Tussaud's diorama of a Bar Mitzvah. Nevertheless, between his hot-ass youth and his normal-ass middle age, Steve Guttenburg has continued to work, dammit! For instance, he was:

Barry in "Mojave Phone Booth"
Nick in "Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus" and its sequel, "Meet the Santas"
Jimmy Zoole in "P.S. Your Cat is Dead"

and, my personal favorite, culled just as it's written on IMDB:

Winter Break (2003) (unconfirmed) .... Ted Harper
... aka Snow Job (USA)


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