Beans, Beans, the Magical Fruit

The sort of secret blog of Beans, a.k.a. Jules, a.k.a. "Legs for Miles" a.k.a. "Rackie the Boob Queen." Fine, ok, not the last two. Starting July 2006, sometimes "Mike," aka "fagadoccio," is a co-poster on the blog. The co-poster child, really.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

It's like a film festival curated by hateful apes

Last night, we watched Air Force One, because it was the only movie on Finnish television. It was...

Great. Harrison Ford makes a great president. The special effects, hand drawn in crayon on toilet paper by a one-eyed Rhesus monkey, were dazzling. The dialogue gave me cerebral palsy.

Tonight, amazingly, Finnish television, in all of its 4-channeled glory, has managed to drum up yet another shimmering capolavoro from the exhausting seabed of English-language cinema.

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987) (I assure you the IMDB link is worth your while.)

The presence of Steve Gutenberg, whose existence is now a punchline, in Police Academy 4 (FOUR), actually makes my heart heavy with sadness, like a bindle full of dog poop.

Oh wait! Glancing at the TV Guide (or rather, TV-Maailman Arviot), I see that there's a movie on at 21:00. THE PRINCE OF TIDES. A movie in which the most disgusting thing is not the family that gets raped. The most disgusting thing is Barbara Streisand in frosted lipstick adjusting her 1991 shelf bangs while referring to "our lovemaking."

I'm going to go swimming with a piece of ham roped to my head, in the hopes that it will lure a hungry sea lion.

I'm almost curious, when I've been eaten by a sea lion, and they've pall-born a dummy to my cenotaph, what will you continue to broadcast, Finnish Television? Batman Forever? Too obvious. Home Fries? The Burbs? Drop Dead Fred? Perhaps Judge Dredd. It's actually sort of retardedly admirable.

Almost exactly like a chimp cowboy with his pants off.


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