Hot damn, I love surveys! These take me back to those first days of widespread internet use, when pizza-faced tweens would mine the web for purity tests to mass e-mail over their AOL accounts. As Big Daddy says, "There 'twaran't a domain name yeh couldn't nab for three bits and a digi-pic of your doodle!" Sigh. Here goes!


1. Historical disaster you'd like to have perished in (e.g. vesuvius)
Well, I suppose it would've been gnarly to be one of Pharoah's henchmen swallowed by the resurgent Red Sea, but that puts me on the wrong side of the good ol' Torah. Let's just go with The Perfect Storm, which satisfies my simultaneous loves of meteorology and swarthy, idiotic drunken fisherman.

2. Who is the celebrity that you secretly believe you would be besties with if you ever met?
Ashley Olsen! I've even dreamt that we knocked into each other on the street and became BFFs. PS I had a great sighting of her at the Cold Stone Creamery on Astor Place.

3. Complete this sentence: When I go to the bodega, I usually leave with __________.
A pint of Ben and Jerry's Vermonty Python, a liter of Coke Zero and the Sunday Times. Maybe I should just donate my manhood to charity.

4. Which Spice Girl are you?
Is there a Pensive Spice? JK! Baby Spice obvs.

5. Which Disney character are you?
I am to Disney movies as hair plugs are to Nic Cage's scalp, i.e., a terrible fit. But when pressed, I'm probably most like the Dick Van Dyke character in "Mary Poppins."

6. T/F: I would vote for Oprah for President
In a second. Can you imagine Stedman wearing that ubiquitous string of First Lady pearls? Priceless!

7. T/F: I would vote for Ben Affleck for President
Um, no.

8. T/F: I would vote for Hugh Grant for Prime Minister of England
Only if Rupert Everett were Council of the Exchequer!

9. How do you feel about clowns/mimes?
I think parents who hire clowns for their child's birthday are actively trying to scar their progeny. Mimes get a bum rap; that steez is hard! If there's a better name then Marcel Marceau [sp], I haven't heard it.

10. Word(s) you are uncomfortable saying (e.g. "peen")
I don't know if there are any. One time I screamed the c-word in a French bistro's sun-dappled backyard during brunch service. By the way, "one time"= 2 weeks ago. I guess I hate the word "fabulous" unless it's said with an affected accent or ironically.

11. When I want to feel special, I wear my ________
charcoal face mask to the Russian baths.

12. Trait you inherited from a crotchety grandparent?
Smoking, which my Grandma Beatrice took up whilst pregnant with my mother, on doctor's orders, to combat nausea. Having since quit, I suppose I've inherited Papa Bernie's penchant for turning the thermostat to 104 degrees in winter. He lived in L.A., for the record.

13. Which one of the people in each of the following pairs would you make out with?

a. Prince Harry v Prince William
Pre-St. Andrew's William, post-Eaton Harry.
b. Cisco Adler v Osama Bin Laden
Truthfully, Osama. Do check out the excerpt from his concubine's memoirs in the current issue of Harper's, where she describes his seduction techniques, which include belittling her ass and dancing to "Rock Lobster".
c. Ruben Studdard v Ronald Reagan (alive)
I loved "Flying Without Wings," but gotta go with Ronnie. What. a. head. of. HAIR.
d. Rachel Ray v Star Jones
Uch, Jules, you're making this hard. Probs Rachel Ray, who presumably has comparatively little scar tissue all over her body.
e. Star Jones v Osama Bin Laden
See above. Call me un-American, but Osama's not Quasimodo, and hell, I'm attracted to power. I'll do it with either of the Google guys right now.
14. If I were given a baby _______ (e.g. horse) , I would name it _______ (e.g. Heroin)
If I were given a baby spider, I would name it Daddy Langbeins.